Yayy the second blog entry
I did not think initially that this would be a good idea. But I stand corrected now.
Anyways, I feel a whole lot better now since ive found things to keep myself busy with. Besides writing, ive decided that art is what ive always wanted to do… and what better time to do it than now??
So naturally, I got myself charcoal pencils and conte crayons and I must declare, the result was pretty amazing. Even if I say so myself. Lol
For most of my life, ive been petrified to do what I love. I always feared people would either judge me or laugh at me. Like drawing or singing for example. Ive loved to draw for as long as I can remember and when I was young I used to win all the time. When I got older I used to see such pretty drawings and when I compared mine with those, I felt small. And embarrassed. And ashamed. And then I decided I would never draw for the simple reason that I thought I was incapable. Even singing for that matter. I was too shy and ashamed. And now I regret it. Which is why, ive decided I don’t care what the rest of the world thinks and im going to draw and draw and draw.
I think ive stepped beyond the nascent stage of my adversity. And I feel wonderful. Well not that much. But I feel great knowing that im going to feel great sooner than I thought. If u know what I mean! My friends have been so supportive and I love all of you.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Crossing through Adversity...
Hey
Im actually bad at writing. But i thought i really needed to write this one. I think writing relieves frustration.
U know, ive been wanting a hobby for a long time. I thought drawing was the resort, but unfortunately i still have to purchase some charcoal pencils and contre crayons!! Lol so obviosly ull will have to bear me till i find somethin better to do.
Anyways, there is so much going on in my life and i cant seem to be able to explain it to anyone anymore. For that matter i cant explain it to myself. Im so lost for words and lost in toughts. That sounded weird!! Lol. But whatever. Im majorly frustrated and annoyed and mind fucked with a lot of things. And worse, i dont know where to start.
Fuck knows.its irritating to the limit and its making me go mad. And why am i even taking all this shit and blowing up my mental stress. It is not as simple as it sounds. Its far more complicated than that. The complications are secondary though. I am primary here. Lol.
I know im deviating and most of this sounds like crap but im just writing in any random order and this is helping me get my frustration out on email atleast. So whether u like it or not, read it! Lol
In this past year ive learned so much. And i find myself changing. This again is another reason for my frustration. I feel like im losing my self. I used to be fun and funny and outgoing and so much more.i find all that has changed. I cant see all that in myself any more. What i see is a sad, miserable, lonesome, boring and lethargic person. Something i never wanted to see myself becoming. Ive dreaded these traits for most of my life and now i feel like im drowning into this body of horrible things, i cant even start to describe this. I feel like im losing all my friends. Like im going to be left alone and i cant imagine dealing or getting through life by myself. I know u all are there for me. But i just cant explain it. I feel like im growing up and i dont wana feel this way. I remember feeling like there was no difference between the shereen i was in 8th standard and the shereen i was in second year. And now i dont feel like that person anymore. I do want to grow up but i want my friends to know that im growing up and i want to keep them and i dont want things to change. Im so tired of losing friends and making friends and the whole vicious cycle. And now whats scaring me is when i start my MBA itll be like starting from scratch. Il be back to square one. New place, new college, new people, new friends, no special companion... and all of that. And it frightens me cuz i dont want to go back. I think what im most scared of is being alone or being bored.
I cant imagine life in Pune without Atif and praneeta and karishma and all of the people ive left behind in college. And i dont want to leave pune. I feel so trapped. Maybe i need a time machine. Lol i think this a sign that i need to watch a shitty movie like Love story 2050 lol.
The conclusion is, as random as it sounds, im lonely, boring, lazy, fat, frustrated, friendless, jobless . i have nothing to look forward to. And no one to walk with. I hope i come up with a solution soon enough.
Ive learned that i cant leave anything to destiny.we make our own destiny. And all that crap about waiting for the right guy to come to u is all gibberish. Nothing in life comes to us. Nothing. We have to go out into the horrible world and fucking beg for it. If u know what i mean.
Change is imminent. And neither i nor anyone else can avoid it. But i need to find out if theres a way that the change can work in my favour. I guess its all about being positive. I used to write poems when i was depressed. Ive lost that touch now. I cant seem to write for shit.
When things are going wrong and u cant seem to get outta it, the feeling is horrible right? Thats what i feel and thats what i dont want to feel. Maybe this was bound to happen.ive been so happy in life for too long. God has been so generous to me. For so many years now. And frankly ive never felt this shitty for years now. Maybe this is his way of testing me and maybe all i need to do is be patient knowing that time will heal. But i cant.its just so darn hard. For so many years in my life now ive been living a dream. Ive had everythin ive dreamed of. A nice house, a great family, freedom, loving friends, the worlds best boyfriend (ex i guess now lol), all the material advantages. Ive had everything. But im losing it all one by one. And its scary. I want to live the life ive been living for the past year. The most amazing life ever.
U know what i really want. The same house, the same friends, the same boyfriend, the same college. The same everything.
So much for the trials and tribulations of Shereen the great. Well not so great anymore. Maybe this change is good for me. Being positive cant harm me right. Your damn right, it cant!!!
Hey, i think i feel better already :). I think ive decided im sticking to this newfound hobby of mine. I already feel the old shereen coming back.
Theres more to come, of course.
Cheerz
Im actually bad at writing. But i thought i really needed to write this one. I think writing relieves frustration.
U know, ive been wanting a hobby for a long time. I thought drawing was the resort, but unfortunately i still have to purchase some charcoal pencils and contre crayons!! Lol so obviosly ull will have to bear me till i find somethin better to do.
Anyways, there is so much going on in my life and i cant seem to be able to explain it to anyone anymore. For that matter i cant explain it to myself. Im so lost for words and lost in toughts. That sounded weird!! Lol. But whatever. Im majorly frustrated and annoyed and mind fucked with a lot of things. And worse, i dont know where to start.
Fuck knows.its irritating to the limit and its making me go mad. And why am i even taking all this shit and blowing up my mental stress. It is not as simple as it sounds. Its far more complicated than that. The complications are secondary though. I am primary here. Lol.
I know im deviating and most of this sounds like crap but im just writing in any random order and this is helping me get my frustration out on email atleast. So whether u like it or not, read it! Lol
In this past year ive learned so much. And i find myself changing. This again is another reason for my frustration. I feel like im losing my self. I used to be fun and funny and outgoing and so much more.i find all that has changed. I cant see all that in myself any more. What i see is a sad, miserable, lonesome, boring and lethargic person. Something i never wanted to see myself becoming. Ive dreaded these traits for most of my life and now i feel like im drowning into this body of horrible things, i cant even start to describe this. I feel like im losing all my friends. Like im going to be left alone and i cant imagine dealing or getting through life by myself. I know u all are there for me. But i just cant explain it. I feel like im growing up and i dont wana feel this way. I remember feeling like there was no difference between the shereen i was in 8th standard and the shereen i was in second year. And now i dont feel like that person anymore. I do want to grow up but i want my friends to know that im growing up and i want to keep them and i dont want things to change. Im so tired of losing friends and making friends and the whole vicious cycle. And now whats scaring me is when i start my MBA itll be like starting from scratch. Il be back to square one. New place, new college, new people, new friends, no special companion... and all of that. And it frightens me cuz i dont want to go back. I think what im most scared of is being alone or being bored.
I cant imagine life in Pune without Atif and praneeta and karishma and all of the people ive left behind in college. And i dont want to leave pune. I feel so trapped. Maybe i need a time machine. Lol i think this a sign that i need to watch a shitty movie like Love story 2050 lol.
The conclusion is, as random as it sounds, im lonely, boring, lazy, fat, frustrated, friendless, jobless . i have nothing to look forward to. And no one to walk with. I hope i come up with a solution soon enough.
Ive learned that i cant leave anything to destiny.we make our own destiny. And all that crap about waiting for the right guy to come to u is all gibberish. Nothing in life comes to us. Nothing. We have to go out into the horrible world and fucking beg for it. If u know what i mean.
Change is imminent. And neither i nor anyone else can avoid it. But i need to find out if theres a way that the change can work in my favour. I guess its all about being positive. I used to write poems when i was depressed. Ive lost that touch now. I cant seem to write for shit.
When things are going wrong and u cant seem to get outta it, the feeling is horrible right? Thats what i feel and thats what i dont want to feel. Maybe this was bound to happen.ive been so happy in life for too long. God has been so generous to me. For so many years now. And frankly ive never felt this shitty for years now. Maybe this is his way of testing me and maybe all i need to do is be patient knowing that time will heal. But i cant.its just so darn hard. For so many years in my life now ive been living a dream. Ive had everythin ive dreamed of. A nice house, a great family, freedom, loving friends, the worlds best boyfriend (ex i guess now lol), all the material advantages. Ive had everything. But im losing it all one by one. And its scary. I want to live the life ive been living for the past year. The most amazing life ever.
U know what i really want. The same house, the same friends, the same boyfriend, the same college. The same everything.
So much for the trials and tribulations of Shereen the great. Well not so great anymore. Maybe this change is good for me. Being positive cant harm me right. Your damn right, it cant!!!
Hey, i think i feel better already :). I think ive decided im sticking to this newfound hobby of mine. I already feel the old shereen coming back.
Theres more to come, of course.
Cheerz
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